protect your peace: a holiday survival guide
tools & scripts for setting boundaries while navigating stressful gatherings
For many in our community, the holidays bring mixed emotions. The holidays can bring joy and connection, but also stress, discomfort, or harm—especially with challenging family dynamics or unsafe spaces. At Inclusive Insight, we’re here to help you thrive. Our Holiday Survival Kit offers three keys to protect your peace this season. Each key represents actions to stay safe, comfortable, and grounded. Mix and match the strategies that work best for you. Look below to start building your Holiday Survival Kit!
a holiday survival guide
key 1: boundaries
We live in a culture where boundaries are only just starting to be valued, so many adults of all ages still struggle with what exactly boundaries are, why they are so important, and how to use them. A boundary is like an invisible fence you set up to protect your energy, time, emotions, and overall well-being. It’s your way of saying, "This is what I’m okay with, and this is what I’m not okay with." Boundaries help maintain healthier relationships by clearly communicating what you need and what you can offer without resentment.
tip 01: set your
boundaries beforehand
To have boundaries, we first have to determine what they are. So before you find yourself drinking an eggnog and having a conversation that you don’t want to be having, take the time to figure out what your boundaries are before they even come up. There are 3 kinds of boundaries that will be essential in your Holiday Survival Kit.
emotional boundaries
“Both my parents and my brother are Republicans, but they’re not really into Trump. We can talk politics and policy a little bit, but as soon as the conversation veers into anything having to do with Reagan-economics or the healthcare system, it’s a hard stop for me.”
physical boundaries
“Sometimes just simply being around so many people for so long is exhausting. Every few hours, I take 30 or 40 minutes to just vibe on my phone or read a book or go for a walk.”
time boundaries
“My parents and I do best if we only have one day together. So I usually go up in the evening, and then I leave early afternoon the next day.”
tip 02: have an escape plan
Sometimes things just go sideways. And that’s okay. It’s also okay to leave a sideways situation. You don’t have to stay and fix it. You can always leave. And in order to leave, you need to know how you’ll do it. Did you drive your own car? Did you take the train? Or an airplane? From the immortal words of Semisonic, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t don’t have to stay here.”
“There’s a coffee shop in town by my grandparents house. They have great wifi and I’m pretty sure the owners are queer. I always check their hours before I go, so that I know when I can go there if things get too intense with the family.”
TIP 01: STATE YOUR BOUNDARIES (MORE THAN ONCE)
Boundaries only work if we express them! You’ve done the hard part of identifying yours—now it’s time to share them. Depending on the situation, you might set boundaries ahead of time, in the moment, or repeatedly. Saying boundaries can feel exhausting if it’s new, but each time you do, it’s an act of self-care and self-respect. It gets easier and more empowering! Here are a few scripts to help:
script #1
“I don’t want to talk about that today, and if you choose to continue the conversation, I’m going to choose to leave the room.”
script #2
“Hey, I want to let you know before I get there, that I’m not going to talk about the results of the election. So if that gets brought up, I’ll leave the room or put my headphones in.”
script #3
“I brought up my boundary before, but I feel you pushing on it, so I’m going to say it again.”
tip 02: redirect
In addition to saying boundaries, you can also redirect conversations. By redirecting, you continue to protect yourself and your needs, and still offer opportunities to connect with family members.
The thing about redirection is that it’s a spectrum. You can choose to completely ignore the comment, like in script 1 and script 2. Alternatively, you can increasingly and more directly shut down the conversation prior to actually redirecting, like in script 3 and script 4. You can choose what works best for you and what you need for you to feel safe, secure, and empowered.
script #1
Challenging Family Member: “About time we got Trump back in office. Things are already getting better–look at the price of gas!”
You: “[non-committal murmur like ‘mmmm’], The drive up here was nice and I really liked the decorations people have up. What are some of your favorite things about the holidays?”
script #2
Challenging Family Member: “The grocery store keeps hiring illegals/gays/asians/women and the whole store is falling apart.”
You: “Oh that reminds me that I had the best macaroni and cheese the other day at a holiday party. What are some of your favorite holiday foods?”
script #3
Challenging Family Member: “I don’t like that piercing you have. In my day only punks had piercings like that.”
You: “I like it. Anyway, want to go for a walk in the snow? It looks so beautiful out.”
script #4
Challenging Family Member: "It's so sad that a silly election can cause so much grief in a family. I don't understand why people can't just get along even with differing opinions."
You: "It's not 'differing opinions'. I'm not okay with a convicted felon being the president–especially one who has plans for such cruelty to other marginalized folx. Let's talk about something else now."
a holiday survival guide
key 2: empowerment
Empowerment is all about believing and knowing that you are in control of you life and have the power to do what you need for yourself. It's what reminds you that you have the tools and the confidence to take charge of your life and make decisions that align with your values and goals. It’s when you realize, Hey, I’ve got this!, and you step into your power unapologetically.
Knowledge: Knowing your options, your abilities, your rights as a human being.
Confidence: Trusting yourself to make good decisions and bounce back when things go sideways.
tip 01: focus on what you can control
You can’t control what other people say or do, but you can always control what you do and how you respond. Taking the time to remind yourself that you do not have to engage in every conversation, that you can take space, that you can have boundaries, will seed a sense of agency and empowerment deep inside you, letting your mental health and wellness bloom.
“As soon as I hear my father-in-law talking about what the 'solution is' to really complex problems like housing insecurity or immigration, I just stop engaging. He's not able to hear anything I have to say once he's drilling down like that, so it's not worth my energy talking.”
tip 02: breathe & pause
Sometimes simply waiting a moment diffuses a situation or helps you get clarity on how - or if - you want to respond. You are not obligated to respond to someone right away or even at all. Taking a moment to breathe signals to your body that you’re safe, that you know how to handle the situation. It’s empowering to simply pause.
“My mom and my aunt are always making passive aggressive comments - about my hair, my job, my boyfriend. I always try to breathe and pause because they often move on to something else without me even saying anything.”
tip 03: remind yourself you can take space–or even just leave
Just knowing you can leave - because you built your escape plan, right? - can set your mind at ease. You already did the hard work of making the escape plan. Even if you don’t need to use it, just reminding yourself that you have an escape plan can reframe a situation because it dramatically reduces the feeling that you’re stuck. You’re not stuck! And you can leave at any time.
“I never go to my parents house without my car. I need to know I can leave at anytime.”
TIP 01: take space or leave
Knowing when to walk away is stepping into your power, unapologetically. You don’t owe anyone your time, your body, or your mind. If your stated boundaries have been crossed repeatedly or if that one family member who you just knew would say The One Thing said The One Thing, you can leave. You. Can. Leave. Leaving might look like going to another room. Or it might look like going for a walk. Or it might look like leaving and going back to your own home. Whatever you need is what you need. And that’s okay.
script #1
"I'm feeling very overwhelmed at the moment. I need some space for a little bit."
script #2
“I’m feeling hurt and disappointed that you keep crossing my boundaries. I’m going to take a walk.”
script #3
“What was said was not okay and was deeply hurtful to me. I don’t want to spend time with people who speak to me and about me that way. I’m going to go home and perhaps we can have a different experience together next year.”
tip 02: engage with limits
Empowerment comes from living authentically and acting in alignment with our values. For some of us that means having conversations and taking a stand for what we believe in - even if it makes a holiday dinner uncomfortable. Protecting your peace sometimes means that we need to say what our values are, even if they’re different from the values of other family members. Make sure you know where the limits are. The key to taking a stand is that it comes from you and what you believe, not about judging what other people believe. Let’s use some scripts.
script #1
Challenging Family Member: “We're going to drill baby drill–the climate change stuff is nonsense.”
You: “Climate change is happening and is going to keep happening whether you believe it or not. It’s not up for discussion.”
script #2
Challenging Family Member: “I don’t want men who are pretending to be ‘ladies’ going into the women’s bathroom.”
You: “They are women. You just feel uncomfortable with that being true and what it could mean about you.”
script #3
Challenging Family Member: “Those illegals have been taking all the jobs, about time we got them out of here.”
You: “They are people, not ‘illegals.’ The billionaire CEOs–like Trump–told you a story that immigrants were the reason that you struggle to get work. You believed that story.”
script #4
Challenging Family Member: “All these whiners still can’t get over it–Trump won! Deal with it! America is so much better now!”
You: “They’re not whining. They’re scared. Let’s talk about something else now.”
protect your peace:
a holiday survival guide
key 3: support
We can’t do it alone! We need support in many different ways. We need the support of people who care about us for who we are. We also need to give ourselves support when we need to self-soothe. Support - from others or from emotional support objects - is what makes challenging situations feel more manageable. It also creates meaningful bonds and connections, which is an essential piece of our mental health and well-being. The key thing to remember about support is that it can look different, but it always comes from outside ourselves.
tip 01: create your emotional essentials list
Our emotional essentials are the unique things (not people) that each of us turn to when we need to feel balanced, grounded, and emotionally stable. These are often simple things, like a song or a repeated phrase, but without them we can just feel off.
“The song ‘The Light’ by The Album Leaf is my go to grounding song. I feel my whole body relax when that song comes on.”
emotional essentials list
- Phrases of affirmation
- A guided meditation app
- A ritual, like light stroking your own arm or blinking slowly for 10 seconds
- A playlist of grounding and/or empowering songs. Looking for some inspiration?
Check out our Spotify playlist here
tip 02: bring your physical comforts with you
Similar to your emotional essentials, physical comforts are the items that just make your body feel good. It might be a cozy sweater or a pair of slippers. Maybe it’s your favorite tea or your favorite creamer you add to your coffee. Whatever the items are, they make your body feel safe and good. When your body feels good, you have more mental and emotional space to navigate challenging dynamics.
“I truly do not go anywhere without my slippers. Who wants cold feet?”
physical comforts list
- Cozy sweater or slippers
- Fidget toys
- Your favorite snack
- Essential oils like lavender or eucalyptus
- Your journal
- Your headphones
TIP 01: identify your safe allies
We all have that sibling, or that cousin, or that aunt who has shown us that we can trust them, even if it’s not the exact way our friends or chosen family would support us. Identify those people in your family and reach out to them beforehand or make sure you spend the most time with them during holiday gatherings. Here are some scripts for reaching out!
script #1
“Hey! Looking forward to seeing you soon. I’m a little nervous about the holidays, and I was wondering if we could make it a point to hang out together. It would really help me feel supported.”
script #2
“I feel scared that mom and dad will say really hurtful things to me. I really need you to support me in those moments, even just putting your hand on my shoulder, so I know you’re there.”
script #3
“Hey! I’m so glad we’ll be together for the holidays. If things start to feel overwhelming, would you be up for stepping outside for a quick walk with me? It would really help me reset and feel supported.”
tip 02: bring your digital squad
Your chosen family and friends are your chosen ones for a reason. Bring them with you! Before you leave for the holidays, set up a plan for texting or calling when needed. Just because you’re not physically together, doesn’t mean you can’t be there for each other when you need it. Here are some scripts for setting up a plan.
script #1
“The daytimes are usually fine, but at night my uncle can get a little belligerent. Will you have your phone on you so that I can reach out?”
script #2
“I don’t need a real-time conversation, just a random ‘you got this, I love you’ text would mean so much to me”
script #3
“Let’s FaceTime for a few minutes in the morning while we drink our coffee. Just having those few minutes to connect reminds me that we’re going to get through this–together.”
script #4
“Can we set up a code word to text if I’m feeling overwhelmed? That way, you’ll know I need some encouragement or a quick distraction to get through the moment.”
protecting your peace isn't just about surviving–it's about thriving
As the holiday season approaches, we invite you to embrace the three keys—boundaries, empowerment, and support—to protect your peace. Whether used internally to care for yourself or externally to navigate relationships, these keys will help you create the Holiday Survival Kit you need so that you can have a holiday season that feels safe, joyful, and authentic to who you are.
With this guide, practical tips, and a little inspiration from our team, we hope you’ll feel ready to face whatever comes your way. This season, let’s focus on what matters most: your well-being, your comfort, and your peace. You deserve it.
Need some more help getting through? Reach out to us today to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians.
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